Mind games

Last week was pretty bad. I was nauseated for most of the week, had a couple of headaches (one of which was sliding in and out, making me not sure whether to take a painkiller or not), and woke up from sleep in the middle of the night with a stabbing headache (which I was too sleep addled to get up and get a pain pill for but really so asleep that after waking I slipped back into sleep before I could get out of bed anyway).

On Thursday morning, feeling disgusting again, I walked to my regular bus stop. I had a headache (which would take my two extra strength Motrin and an extra large coffee to knock down) and it (or something else) was making me feel nauseated. I was pretty down and having a pity party.

I came to the conclusion that I think it’s a myth that I ever felt well. That there was a time when I wasn’t in pain, when I actually felt well rested, when my body felt like it was operating as normal.

It’s been 4 months of this “puzzle” now. Because I show no outward signs of dying, I’m not in a House episode where they are desperately trying to figure out what’s going on in a short time span. Although my doctor does seem worried that I will have a stroke.

I know that my pity party moment is wrong. I have felt well. In fact, I’ve felt fantastic in the past. I’ve been strong enough to run a 10 km race. Two of them, in fact. But it’s wearing on me. And frankly, I want to stop theorizing with everyone on what food I should stop/start eating or what habit I need to adopt/drop, what funky specialist I should just go see or what nutrient I might be deficient in.

I’m trying to live a healthy lifestyle right now. I’m trying to sleep, eat properly, exercise, and manage my stress. But this Thing has interfered with most of those things. I’ve also had more migraines in these past four months than I have in the last four years. Something has shifted and I don’t have a tricorder to let me do all this diagnosis myself. I have to use the medical system, and it’s exhausting to have to take time during my workday to call and advocate for myself.

Not to mention the fear. I try to keep it under wraps because it just isn’t helpful. But there is a fear that this is something serious that we won’t figure out until too much damage is done, like in my father’s case. He had six months of having cancer before he died, though he was feeling unwell for at least a year previous to that.

I don’t want to be permanently debilitated. I don’t want to struggle through migraines week after week. And I’ve avoided so many “triggers”, the only thing I can think is triggering me now is the actual stress of the tingling and not knowing. How’s that for a vicious cycle?

Sorry for the negative post. It’s pretty indicative of my mindset right now. I’ve also been struggling against negativity, because it is also unhelpful. But sometimes it takes over.


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