I’ve been quiet lately, I know. Partially, summertime doing stuff quiet. Partially, doing the experiment on myself and nothing to report. Really. I’m up to the highest dose of the overnight muscle relaxants. This coming week will be the real data point. But I had prickling this week, and my jaw was still tight. (And I woke up with muscle spasms/charleyhorses two nights in the second week of the second highest dose.)
I took this week off, as one does. In hopes that just relaxing and doing fun “me” things would help. See above. But I did have more good days than prickly this week.
I also spent some time going through my keepsakes and old photos. I was scanning them in, as we’re going through another bit of a cull, to try to reduce the stuff in the office/studio.
In my pile o’ stuff, I found many old cards that I’d saved. I habitually saved cards from my childhood, not for any particular reason except it seemed wrong to throw away sentiments like those. I was able to scan these sentiments in as well, and was able to be reminded of my grandmother’s love from her cards and letters to me.
I also found more recent cards – birthday cards given to me by my husband during our first year together (super mushy, so cute), the many cards of sympathy I received from friends and colleagues when my father passed away, and birthday cards from friends and colleagues.
In particular, my friend K’s birthday card to me really struck me yesterday and I read and re-read it, marvelling at the sentiment and then my mind turned the wrong way.
Instead of internalizing the beautiful sentiment and feeling the warm glow of “hearing” how someone holds me in high regard, I wondered whether I had ever told her in what high regard I hold her? How I think she is one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever had the pleasure of knowing? How I think she’s beautiful and sweet and intelligent and thoughtful? And funny?
And then I wondered about all the other cards lying in my stack – had I ever adequately let those people know how they are wonderful and important and that they are one of those important puzzle pieces in this big jigsaw puzzle of my life? That they mean something?
Have I ever told you that you matter to me? Does that mean anything to you?
After that unfortunately not-as-brief-as-it-should-have-been foray into self-flagellation, I emerged and realized that I should take those really amazing words and see that *that* *is* how K sees me. And I am so grateful to see myself through the eyes someone so wonderful in my own estimation.
And I should also thank my husband for his insight as well – that I shouldn’t worry that I’m not as good of a person as I think I should be because that’s kind of an indication that I’m not a jerk – because I worry about hurting people’s feelings, and disappointing them, and not being there for them. And basically, you know, what I had been worrying about before – that I had been taking all these wonderful people for granted and not letting them know that they are wonderful.
So, thank you. I’m so grateful for you. For K, who I haven’t seen in a while as she was off raising a very lucky baby to have her as a mom. For N, who checks on me when we cross paths in the building. For L, who I’ve known for many years and we’ve been there for each other. And for my sister, who sent me so many awesome packages and letters and I hope I sent her enough back but I fear I didn’t.
There are so many of you who have shared stories, wisdom, laughter, recipes, concern, pints, stones, emails, brief messages, hugs, support, tears, walks, advice, swear words… Who have picked up whatever baton I couldn’t keep carrying and who helped me cross that finish line, whether that was phone calls or emails of bad news I didn’t have the strength to do, or files I was too overwhelmed to be able to give time to, or just the reality check I needed to sit down and stop because I was hurting myself.
So, thank you. I am so grateful for all of you. I’m writing this with tears of gratitude streaming down my face because I heard it, I felt it and I remember.
You are all so wonderful. Thank you. I hope you all know that it means a lot to me.